Bar Wars I: The Fat Menace
by Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs
Summary: After almost every character in game gets drunk, they see a Star Wars movie and begin to think that they're the characters, while Krew goes after Daxter for his tab. The result: complete chaos!
1. Drunken Night at the Bar

**Finally, my first chapter of my fist Jak and Daxter story! BAR WARS! There's two reasons behind this title, but you'll see them, and anyone who can guess them gets nothing, but the satisfaction of knowing that they're right!**

**Jak: You better not do anything bad to me, or else...**

**Cir (Seer): Yeah, yeah. Don't worry. Or, to keep you quiet, worry. Very much.**

**Jak: (Gulps)**

**Cir: Anyway, here it is, I don't own Jak and Daxter or Star Wars, this is the only time I'm saying it because unless you start halfway through the story you'll know. This takes place after Jak3, but for some reason Krew owns the bar, and everyone's alive. For humour. On with the Fat Menace!**

**_BAR WARS: THE FAT MENACE  
_Chapter One: Drunken Night at the Bar**

Daxter walked over to the bar. He had sold it back to Krew for enough money to buy a solid gold house (Cir: Guess that explains it.) and a swimming pool filled to the brim with slightly minty chocolate, which he wanted since Jak2.

He went through the door and hopped onto the stool. "Hi'a Krew, I'll take a pint of beer," he said.

Krew raised an eyebrow. "Is that healthy to a rat?" he said.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING A RAT?" Daxter yelled. "And probably not."

Krew floated over to his spot near the roof. "Tess,get him that, I need sleep," Krew said.

Tess shrugged. "Okay," she said. As long as she got her payment, it was fine by her.

3 drunken hours later...

Daxter slammed down the cup of his fortyth beer. He was slightly swaying and hickuped. "The magic drik always helps forgeta day abut fighting metalbutts," he slurred.

Torn walked in and sat down eight seats away from Daxter, even through there were only six seats. "Usual," he said. Daxter hickups and drank his next beer in a few gulps. He hickuped and fell off his seat before climbing back up.

"Is that safe?" he asked Tess when he saw all of Daxter's glasses.

"I don't think so," she replied.

"Then keep giving him them," Torn laughed.

"Whater ya larfing at Torp?" Daxter said to him.

Just then Sig walked in. "Boy am I tired," he said before sitting down between Daxter and Torn. "But the magic drink always helps forget a day about fighting metalheads." He ordered a beer. Torn got a few more before noticing his vision was getting a bit blurry. 'The freedom league commander shouldn't get drunk, but I'm too tired to care,' he thought before ordering another.

Sig began to realize things were weird when Torn and Daxter, the two who hated each other, were both talking happily, slurred and laughing together. He was about to say something when Pecker flew in. "I really should push that door instead of flying into it," he mumbled. Pecker flew onto another seat. "I'll have whatever he had," Pecker said while somehow pointing at Daxter. "The magic drink always helps forget a day about fighting metalheads."

Sig looked at him. "You were fighting metalheads?"

"Onin got a new arcade game, she's really beginning to like them, you could kill metalheads in it," Pecker said. "It was caled something like Jak2, I'm not sure."

After a short time, Pecker was drunk. He went over to Daxter. "Yano what ot-thingy," he said, "you look like ya lav in a dumpter!" He fell over.

"Oh ya, Pecky?" Daxter slurred. "Wanna fit?"

"Alright," Pecker, who was still lying on the ground, said. Daxter jumped and did a bodyslam on Pecker. They began fighting and all Sig saw was feathers and fur going flying. He sat in a cusioned seat around the walls and decided to go to sleep, seeing as it was eleven.

Then Ashelin walked in. "Boy, the magic drink always helps forget-"

"Don't...even...finish...it..." Sig said from the lying position he was in.

Ashelin looked down and saw the two fighting. "What this time?" she asked no one. Then she saw Torn gulping down beer. He ordered another and gulped it down. She ordered one from Tess, and then turned to the fight moncaw and ottsel.

Torn fell off his chair and began falling right at Daxter and Pecker. The two, who were strangling each other, saw the threat and screamed. "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-" Torn got up off the flattened animals.

"Oops," he said lazily before falling down and getting back up.

After a few more hours, all of the fallowing were drunk: Daxter, Torn, Pecker, Ashelin, Tess, Jinx, Erol (who was for some reason full human and alive), Brutter, Damas (who was also breathing fine), Kor, Samos, Keira,Praxis and Kleiver. There were some others who weren't drunk, and Daxter was basically blind drunk, which was surely not health for the ottsel.

Daxter took out his mail for some reason. "What's this?" He opened one which read:

_Daxter Penagron _(I made up that name, seeing as I don't know what his last name is)

_Your taxes haven't been paid for during the last eight months, so we are taking your possesions.  
You have money, but not enough to pay your bar tabs, which, according to our records, will be collected this day.  
Unless you pay for everything, you shall be bankrupt, for you tabs equal $700 000._

_Signed, the tax people of Haven City, AKA, Joe, Edgar and Dennis._

He gulped at this. Then Krew flew down to them all. "Movie night!"

**Was it cruel to leave it there?**

**Jak: YES!**

**Cir: Shouldn't you be dreading? Anyway, this isn't quite the chapter where it becomes the parody. Either the next will, or the one after that.**

**Jak: (still dreading)**

**Daxter: Why can't I come in?**

**Cir: Because you're annoying. (throws him out door) Until next chapter, this is Cir, or as my not-Elvin name, (blocked out by me).**


	2. The Movie

**Well, have any of you waited for this?**

**Daxter: Please don't post this...**

**Cir: If they're reading this, I have.**

**Daxter: Damn.**

**Jak: Same.**

**Damas: Same.**

**Cir: Anyway, on with Bar Wars, the Fat Menace!**

**Everyone else in the story: NO!**

**_BAR WARS: THE FAT MENACE  
_Chapter Two: The Movie**

The drunks watched the movie Krew put on. It was Star Wars Episode One, The Phantom Menace (By the way, I haven't seen this so don't blame me on mistakes). Daxter was no longer blind drunk, so he actually saw half of it. Parts of it he began poking the sleeping Sig with an armed Peacemaker, which earned him a kick in the ass.

By the end, a few were sober, and by a few, I mean Samos, Brutterand Kleiver. "Coooool," Daxter said. Everyone else agreed.

Krew floated down in front of them. "Alright, I'm collecting all of your tabs," he said.

The others stared at him. "DARTH MAUL!" Daxter screamed pointing at Krew before swaying and stepping on the Peacemaker which fired and almost hit Krew. "Get em Odi!" Torn growled and jumped at Krew and bit into his balloon.

"Get off me you drunk!" Krew said before hitting Torn off.

"This won't turn out well..." Samos whispered to Kleiver.

"Yeah, I have to get back to the wasteland, I'm late for a desert race," Kleiver said before jumping into the Sand Shark (which was parked in the middle of the road) and drove away, where he almost hit Jak. "HEY!" Jak jumped on a zoomer and charged after him.

Back at the bar, Krew was hiding in the back room wih Samos, Brutter, a few freedom leagues, Jak's crocadog who I've named Crocayand Veger, who were all classified as "bad guys".

"This no good," Brutter said. "They hunt us like dogs." Crocay looked at him.

"Why did I even come here?" Veger groaned.

"Don't ask me Count Vecher," a freedom league guard said.

"It's VEGER!" Veger yelled before Krew covered his mouth.

"You're freedom leagues, can't you do something?" he asked.

"We're freedom guards, not break-through-drunken-mob-that-think-they're-Star-Wars-people-that-want-us-all-dead guards," another said.

In the main room, they decided who they were. Daxter was Anakin, Torn was Obi-Wan Kenobi, Ashelin was Queen Padme (I'm getting these names off the internet, so I don't quite know who half them are), Damas was some guy that was important, Praxis was C3PO, Pecker was Yoda, Tess was R2-D2, Kor became sober and ran to seek coverwith "the hunted", and I'm too lazy to say who Jinx, Erol and Keira were.

Kor ran into the back room and slammed the door shut. "How'd you find us?" Samos asked.

"They all know that you're here, they'rejust too drunk to realize that they have to go in here to get to you," he said.

Veger looked at Kor. "Why are you hiding, you're the metalhead leader?" he asked.

Crocay got an idea and told Brutter. "He has idea," Brutter said.

Jak somehow drove the zoomer into the wasteland where he entered the race that Kleiver anda few wastelanders were in. Since the zoomer was weak, he could use his weapons. He scared half the racers silly with his vulcan fury and shot out the tires of Kleiver's vehicle with the blaster. "No one can beat the Haven and Spargus race champion!" he yelled. Then marauders blew up his zoomer.

Daxter was lying on the bar counter telling his plan. "We storm in there an blew ther heads on!" he said before hickuping until he threw up.

"Dunt ya mean off?" Praxis asked the drunken leader.

Then they heard loud stomping. They took out their weapons, AKA, a banana (Daxter), a cell phone (Keira), a taiser (Pecker?), a shotgun (Praxis), a stapler (Torn), a silly string gun (Damas), a water gun (Ashelin), a grenade (Jinx), and so on. Then Tess threw up on Torn,Torn hickuped at Daxter, Daxter swayed on Praxis, Praxis shot Erol in the arm, and Erol kicked Pecker. So basically all of themgot hurt. Then Jinx dropped his grenade, and the pin was already out!

**That last sentence is going to cause chaos!**

**Jinx: Sure is, my grenades could blow up the palace, in fact I gave some to Veger before the palace...**

**Jak, Torn and Ashelin: YOU! (dive at his throat)**

**Cir: Uh, review!**


	3. More Problems!

**Welcome to the third chapter of Bar Wars, where everyone is drunk!**

**Jak: ALMOST!**

**Cir: Okay, almost everyone. Now here's the third chapter! Thanks for the idea Dean, I could use that at the end...**

**Daxter and Pecker: Uh-oh...**

**_BAR WARS: THE FAT MENACE  
_Chapter Three: More Problems!**

Everyone screamed at the sight of the grenade falling. "Quick Odi Wack Kanoe, use the forks!" Daxter said.

Torn barked like a dog, picked up the grenade in his mouth, and swallowed it. Everyone stared at him, forgetting about the stomping noised that were getting louder.

Torn puffed up for a second, then acted like nothing had happened. He hickuped at Pecker.

Veger walked out of the backroom first. "Either you run, or..." Metal Kor broke through the wall. "...he gets you."

Daxter threw his banana at Kor, which he was allergic to, causing him to break out in metal hives. "AGH! That's it!" Metal Kor said before kicking Daxter out the door. He landed on the road and saw three four eyed metalheads that dive at you to attack looking down at him.

Daxter leaped back in the bar. "So, yuv sent yer solders ater meh?" he slurred before hickuping a few times.

"What?" Krew, who was floating beside Metal Kor, asked.

The metalheads broke through the door and dove at Praxis. He took out a crowbar and began to use it like a sword. He used his "bar saber" to kill a metalhead.

"How humilliating. Killed by a bar," Metal Kor said, shaking his head, which was trouble for Veger, Crocay and Brutter (Samos was hovering beside Metal Kor).

"We're up here you know!" Veger screamed while holding on for dear life.

The other drunks took out crowbars and killed the metalheads. Pecker threw his taiser at Metal Kor. "YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Metal Kor staggered and fell over, stunned. Veger pulled himself out from under the metalhead leader.

"Prepare to ie, Dart Maul!" Ashelin said before throwing her bar at Krew. Krew dodged it and picked up Daxter.

"I want you to stop being drunk and _PAY ME YOUR TAB!_" he spat at the drunk ottsel. Samos was healing the damage in Metal Kor with green eco when Tess hit him with her bar. Then Torn growled like a dog and leaped at Samos, only to fall on Erol halfway there. Erol pushed him off and threw his bar, which hit Veger in the face.

Veger screamed and threw the bar back. It hit Erol square in the face as well and he fell over. He was still conscience, seeing as he was slightly singing. "My old lady wants me to eat some kinda murshroom, and it pasted bad..."

Daxter bit Krew's fingers and jumped on a zoomer that was parked in the bar. "Catch me if you can't!" he yelled before driving at the wall, making the zoomer explode. He staggered outside and highjacked another one. He drove it to the industreal section, after crashing about fifty times and getting lost in the metalhead nest.

Krew jumped on his private zoomer and went after him.

Back at the bar, things were getting rough. Seem had arrived and was immediantly tied to a chair, a dark maker had gone in for some beer and gotten drunk too, and Torn was beating Veger with a crowbar.

"That's IT!" Metal Kor sent a beam from his forehead into the middle of it all, knocking everyone to the side of the room. But the blast also blew off the front wall. All the drunks ran in different directions through the city.

"We must finned Darth Maul!" Jinx said to Damas.

"I'll say, heh could beh cousing havoc!" Damas slurred.

Daxter looked bhind him and saw Krew catching up. Bad idea. He accidently hit the lever that changed hover zones and ran over a few guards. The freedom guards ran after him, seeing as they could tell he was driving drunk.

Krew was passed Daxter and waiting for him for the next few mintes, seeing as Daxter was going slower then a snail. Daxter finally reached Krew and Krew grabbed him. Daxter bit him, again, and began driving away.

Jak arrived on the transport back at Haven City. "I wonder how everyone's doing," he said before seeing the metalheads overrunning the city, seeing as their main problems were all drunk. Vin ran passed Jak. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIEEEE!" he was screaming as a few scorpion metalheads ran after him. Jak shot the metalheads, and a few citizens by accident.

Daxter drove by Onin's tent for the eighth time. She was beginning to wonder what he was doing. (I noticed that in Jak3, it shows Onin in multiple spots, but it never shows her walking.)

Krew had decided to wait at the lap mark until the zoomer ran out of gas. "You'll never get me, Darth Maul!" Daxter said each time he passed. Then one time he didn't pass, for he had driven into the door of the ammo dump. There he found Erol. "Air-guy, whater ya doing here?" Daxter asked.

"Well Anakin, I'm getting this tank thingy to charge at Darth Maul, and is evil minioms," Erol said drunkly.

Jak walked to the Naughty Ottsel (Krew hadn't had time to rename it) when he noticed there was no front wall. "What's going on?" he asked old man Kor, Veger, Crocay, Brutter and Samos.

"You're drunk friends are destroying the city!" Veger said. "And they think they're Star Wars characters! The entire guard is looking for them!" Then Tess walked by, beeping like R2-D2.

"I see your point," Jak said.

**And that's the chapter Jak comes into the plot!**

**Jak: I thought I was going to come in halfway through.**

**Cir: Changed my mind. Can anyone guess who they'll think Jak is?**

**Jak: Darth Vader?**

**Cir: He doesn't come in this story.**

**Jak: Luke?**

**Cir: Doesn't come in.**

**Jak: Jak?**

**Cir: (glares) Review!**


	4. Haven Drunks

**Time for chapter four! And since no one's guessed why this is called Bar Wars, it is:**

**Jak: 1, they were in a bar, 2, they're using crowbars.**

**Cir: Correct, thanks for the reviews, on with the story!**

**_BAR WARS: THE FAT MENACE  
_Chapter Four: Haven Drunks**

Daxter and Erol burst through the ammo dump door in a security tank. "Die Darth Maul!" they both said before hickuping. They aimed the cannon at Krew and fired. Krew sacraficed his zoomer to not die. "No! Zoomy!" Krew said while sulking over the wrekage. Erol and Daxter attempted a high five, but missed and hit the fire button, and since the cannon was pointing backwards, it blew up the ammo dump. The security tank went flying, along with its two passengers.

Kor walked along, trying to find the drunks, when the tank landed on him.

Torn had taken one of the freedom league hellcat cruisers. He was flying high over the city, shooting anything that moved. Jak saw him, went Light Jak and flew up there. He landed in the passenger seat. "Torn, I-"

"Hi Sidious!" Torn said drunkly to Light Jak. "Ya member meh, Obi Wack Kanobe?" Light Jak stared. "Have some of the magic drik!" With that Torn stuffed a pint of beer into Jak's open mouth.

Light Jak coughed. "Torn, I need you to get less...less...ehhh..." Light Jak fell off the cruiser and fell to the roads.

"I killed the emperior!" Torn paniced, accidently hitting the "drop beer" button. A tidal wave of beer fell from five thousand feet.

Light Jak staggered and coughed again. "I'm gonna get him for that!" Jak said. Then he looked up and saw the beer falling right at him. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... ..."

Samos hovered around to find his drunk daughter. He found her, along with Pecker, Jinx and Ashelin. He took out some green eco, hoping it would make them sober. Pecker spoke. "Approachen is an intridor," he said drunkly and Yoda-ish.

The other three charged at Samos, weilding their crowbars. They began pounding him, when he threw the green eco at them all. The three fainted, and Pecker ran away. He thinks he's Yoda, and Yoda can't fly...or can he?

Brutter and Crocay found Praxis and Damas. They were talking drunkly. "I tackle big on, you small one," Brutter said to him. Crocay dove at Damas who hit him flying into the port's water. Then Damas hickuped and fell into the water two. Praxis jumped in a hover-car and drove away. He blew up after three feet and began running.

Veger and a few freedom guards went after the remaining, when they found an unturned security tank in the middle of the slums. Veger got the guards to remove it where they found a squished Kor. "What happened to you?"

Kor made himself 3-D again. "I was walking along, looking for those idiots, when that tank flew out of no where and fell on me!" Kor said.

Erol and Daxter jumped onto a zoomer and crashed away. The freedom guards ran after them but Krew caught Daxter first. "Well well well, what do we have?" Krew said.

"Hep meh Qui-Gon Jinn!" Daxter said and Erol turned at him.

"That's meh!" Erol said and Torn came beside him, still in the hellcat.

"I'm yer partiner!" he said. They flew at Krew, and completely missed, hitting each other instead.

Krew floated over to his bar and threw Daxter on a stool. Sig was still sleeping peacefully. "Now pay me your tab, ey?"

"Neva, Darth Maul!" Daxter said. "I know who yer worken for, Sidious!"

Krew groaned and hit Daxter. "Sober up, will you?"

Torn and Erol staggered up to the bar.

Kor saw Jak lying on the ground in Light Jak form. He was shaking. "So much beeeeer..." he was mumbling as he twitched. "Sooooooo much..."

The disguised leader kicked some sense into him. "Thanks Kor," Jak said. "Hmmm... Those are two words I never thought I'd hear in a row..."

Pecker ran throught the metalhead area that used to be grass. "Eat me don't!" Pecker said as three scorpion metalheads and a four eyed one chased him. "Taste bad I do!"

"No you don't!" the four eye said.

"Yeah, I've even tasted your wings!" a scorpion said.

"Wings I don't have, arms I have!" The metalheads laughed at him.

Praxis met up with Tess. They did think they were C3PO and R2-D2.

Back at the bar, Sig was still sleeping peacefully, holding his poopsy bear. "Would you untie me?" Seem yelled at him. He rolled over and faced away from her.

Torn and Erol took out their crowbars and began beating the freedom guards, thinking they were evil robots.

"What do we- OUCH- do?" one asked.

"We- OUCH- can't beat them up, they're- OUCH- high ranks!" another replied.

"Oh yes we can!" A third guard sacked Erol and punched Torn. "Now let's run before they recover!" The guards fled away from the two.

Brutter jumped on Damas, hoping to trap him. He was wrong. Damas fell backwards, trapping Brutter. Then he threw up.

"Gross!" Brutter said, shaking himself.

Erol and Torn had somehow gotten a hold of the security tank again. Citizens ran away screaming as the two drove around chasing Veger. "For the last time I'm not a bad guy!" he screamed, but he might as well have told them that he was evil for all they cared.

"Is something wrong?" Kor asked Jak, who was staggering a lot.

"Nothing's wrong," Jak said before hickuping. Kor glared at him. "Alright, Torn poured tons of beer and most got in my mouth," Jak said before hickuping. "But I'm still fi-" He fell down and got back up with some difficulty.

"Wow, you're wasted," Kor said.

"AM NOT!" Jak said before throwing up. Kor glared at him again.

"Aren't you a _bit _angry at Torn?" Kor asked.

Jak twitched. "No, I'm fine, not angry... Happy... I'LL KILL HIM!" Jak went Dark Jak and ran over Kor. "TORN, YOU'LL DIE!" he roared.

**Jak: Will Torn die?**

**Cir: Of course not! He's a main character! Anyway, I need to write another chapter of Bar Wars. In the meantime, review, and I'll be happy!**

**Jak: You will?**

**Cir: (takes out energy sword)**

**Jak: Wrong video game.**

**Cir: Okay. (shoots Super Nova at him)**

**Jak: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH-**


	5. Daxter's Deal

**Time for chapter... uh...**

**Daxter: Five.**

**Cir: Thanks, if you hadn't told me, I'd of stayed there all day and not write anything. **

**Daxter: Kill me now...**

**Cir: No. And Jak's currently in the hospital from that Super Nova I shot at him. He should be back by the end of the chapter. (nervous laughter) Uh, to the chapter! Don'town Frankie Tomatoes.**

**_BAR WARS: THE FAT MENACE  
_Chapter Five: Daxter's Deal**

Sig walked over to the coffee machine, completely ignoring Seem's yelling, got coffee, and then went back to sleep.

Torn and Erol laughed as they shot zoomers which all fell, exploded and almost hit Veger. "Can't you leave me alone?" he yelled to them.

"We dunt feel like et!" Erol said before throwing up on the dashboard.

"Gross!" Torn said and for a few split seconds, the SC steered out of control. Erol stepped on the gas, causing it to rocket through the industreal section, into the port and into the water. It began sinking and the windows began cracking.

"If I get out of this and ya don't, can I have your house?" Torn asked Erol who glared at him.

For some reason, it exploded and the two drunks went flying. Veger walked away calmly, to get a meal at Frankie Tomatoes.

"This is your fault Qui-Gon Jinn!" Torn said before starting to swim to one of those vehicles floating in the water.

"No, Obi-Wan, it's-" He threw up in the water. They both screamed and began to the nearest thing out of water.

Meanwhile, Jak needed to sit down. He was still Dark Jak, and he still wanted to kill Torn for that beer incident, but he was a bit wasted.

"Kill...Torn...Torn...Must...Die...Must...Kill...Him..." Dark Jak muttered before hickuping.

Kor finally caught up to him. "There you are. Just because Torn got you drunk, doesn't mean-"

"I'M NOT DRUNK!" Jak screamed before shooting a dark strike at Kor.

"Krew, I have an idea," Daxter said.

"I'm listening..."

"We race. If I win, you have to clear my tab, making me not have to pay. ("I know what a tab is!" Krew mumbled.) And if I lose, then I have to not pay anything." Krew shot him a glare. "Okay, I have to pay."

"How about you have to pay double, ey?" Krew asked.

"What? That's rediculous!" Krew gave Daxter puppy dog eyes. "Oh, alright."

Torn was swimming to the ramps to get out of the port water. He just started climbing when something large with horns and claws jumped in front of him. "What da?"

"Die Torn..." Dark Jak kicked him farther into the port water. Being drunk, Torn began to swim back to the ramp Dark Jak was standing over. He kicked him back again. Torn began coming back. Kicked, coming. Kicked, coming...

"Stop kicking me Sidi-" Calling him that gave him another kicked.

"This is kinda fun!" Dark Jak said before kicking Torn again. He was about to kick when Torn slashed at him with a crowbar. "NOW IT'S NOT!" He kicked Torn so hard that he went flying passed the port andover toward the power station,where Jak could've swore he heard Vin scream...

"Wait for me Odi!" Erol screamed before swimming after him.

Daxter got his racing zoomer from his house. He parked it in front of the bar, and Krew got his. "Hey Krew, what if I lose and I don't have enough money?" he asked.

"Then you'll clip my toenails for the next few weeks." Daxter cringed at the horror of that thought.

Jinx groaned and sat up. "What happened?" he asked out loud.

"You all thought you were Star Wars people while drunk and now you have a hangover," Samos told the three who had just woken up.

"That can't be good for my reputation," Ashelin said.

"No, but it's good for me!" Jinx said. "I have drunk insurance, now they owe me 700 dollars!"

Samos gave him a weird look. "How'd you get them into a deal like that?" he asked.

"I have my ways..." Jinx said while holding up some dynamite.

Metal Kor flew over the port, looking for Jak/Dark Jak. He found Jak in the bar with Krew and Daxter. Metal Kor changed back to Kor, before realizing he was 50 feet in the air.

Kor landed on the seat next to Jak, who was lying on the floor, looking up at the stars. And he was too dizzy to stand up. "Hi Kor, Daxter's going to race Krew for his tab-freedom, he only has to be ahead of him in the finish," Jak said. "I'm in too, wanna join?"

"Aren't you a little too-"

"NOT DRUNK!"

**Next chapter: the race!**

**Jak: (walks by on crutches, with a cast and neck cast)**

**Cir: Told you he'd be back! (looks to see Jak giving him the finger) It wasn't my fault, you shouldn't have complained about the energy sword! Review!**


	6. Krew vs Daxter vs Jak vs Kor vsdotdotdot

**Time for another chapter, where I introduce a new OC! His name's- you'll see...**

**Jak: But I wanna know now!**

**Cir: You won't ecoguy.**

**Dark Jak: I wnat to know!**

**Cir: You spelt "what" wrong.**

**Dark Jak: I know, haven't you heard of wnat?**

**Cir: No, so here's the chapter.**

**_BAR WARS: THE FAT MENACE  
_Chapter Six: Krew vs Daxter vs Jak vs Kor vs Jinx vs Et Cetera**

Daxter gulped. All he had to do was outplace Krew in the race, then he'd be free... and _not _have to clip Krew's toenails.

Damas was tearing through the city with the Slam Dozer (the big one Damas rides in Jak3). He was still drunk and mainly hitting through buildings that he didn't even know about.

"Easy, almost there..." a freedom guard said to the others as the palace was being put back together ith helicopters. "There, perfect!"

"It took almost a year, but we've done it!" another said.

Then the Slam Dozer, along with the driver, went smashing through the palace base, and it crumbled to pieces. Damas drove away laughing like the drunk he was at the moment.

The guards stood petrified at the sight. "Well," one finally said, "we better get started... again..." All the other guards shot him a glare through their masks.

Daxter drove up to the race's starting line on his small zoomer. Krew approached him on his zoomer. Jak also approached on a racing zoomer. Kor and Jinx drove up to the starting line too. Another racer who they just met drove up. His name was Et Cetera. (You probably thought that Et Cetera in the title meant more, but I tricked you!)

"Rev your engines!" Jak yelled from in front of them. They all revved, and somehow, Jak was back on his zoomer. "3..." he said from in front of them, then he revved again. "2..." He revved again. "GO!"

Jak went flying ahead of them all, who were expecting a 1. They were to do 3 laps around the port (across the bridge and around to it again). Jak was in first at the moment and Krew was catching up. Kor couldn't quite drive, and Et rammed him off the bridge, causing his zoomer to explode in the water.

Daxter saw it and gulped, for Et was catching up. He floored it and hit Krew from behind. Krew tried to steer him off and Jinx rammed Daxter, causing him to be getting squished. Then the presure stopped when he saw Jinx crashed into the tower. Jak made a sharp turn when he passed the first lap.

Praxis was walking across the port bridge like a robot. Then Jak plowed over him and he fell into the port. "JAK! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!" he screamed. "Hey, I'm sober, yipee!"

Jinx' zoomer was moving very slow and puffs of smoke were coming out of it. Then Jak rammed it off the bridge where it blew up. Daxter, Krew and Et were neck and neck, with Jak not far ahead. Krew rammed Daxter, who almost fell off. Daxter growled and hit Krew back, who hit Et, who fell in the water. He didn't explode, but drove up a ramp andwent flying over Jak.

"I'll win this time Jak!" Et said, before his zoomer, still airborn, went down the wrong path and into the metalhead nest. It crashed into a wall and blew up. Et stood up to be surrounded by metalheads, the same ones that attacked Pecker. "Can't we be friends?" Et asked.

"NO! EAT HIM!" they all screamed. Et gulped.

Jak was right passed Krew and Daxter, who were still ramming each other. Seem had finally untied herself and walked out of the bar. Erol, who was on a zoomer, hit her and sent them both flying into the port water. "Stupid drunk!" Seem said. Then the three remaining racers passed them.

Jak went into the final lap. He was almost at the halfway part of the lap when Tess walked in his path. Jak turned away from her at the last minute and fell into the port water.

It was just Krew and Daxter. "You won't win rat!" Krew snarled.

Daxter growled. "I'M...NOT...A..._RAT!_" he rammed Krew who crashed into a tower. Krew started again and caught up. They wereseconds away from the finsih when, out of no where, Jak sped passed them and over the finish, landing in first. Krew and Daxter were right beside each other.

'All I have to do is pass him!' Daxter thought. They both passed over te finish. "Who came in second?" Daxter asked.

Jak thought for a moment. "I think Daxter," he said.

"Yes!"

"No, I think Krew," Kor said.

"I agree," Jinx said.

"No!" Daxter said. "I agree with Jak!"

"Actually, I think it was Krew," Jak said.

"I think Dax," Et said. Daxter cheered. "I'm kidding, it was Krew."

Krew laughed. "That means you have to clip my toenails for the next few weeks!" he laughed.

Then Torn and Erol appeared with crowbars. "Let Anake go Darth Mool!" Torn said.

Krew raised an eyebrow but was hit with a crowbar.

**Now Torn and Erol are in for it!**

**Jak: It's funny that the two people who hate each othr the most are on a team.**

**Cir: Yeah, you won't believe what happens when they're told what happened! Man that'll be funny!**

**Jak: So how long'll this be?**

**Cir: This chapter: Ending in four lines.**

**4. Jak: I see... But I mean the story.**

**3. Cir: Soon... There will at least be three more chapters, possibly four.**

**2. Jak: Will I be main in it?**

**1.Cir: Possibly, and since it's been four lines, review!**


	7. Sobering the Drunks Well, Most

**Time to sober the drunks!**

**Torn and Erol: Woohoo!**

**Cir: Not you yet, it wouldn't be fun.**

**Erol: I hate you...**

**Cir:Dean, I'm 100 percentsure I'm doing a Bar Wars 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.Time for the chapter!**

**_BAR WARS: THE FAT MENACE  
_Chapter Seven: Sobering the Drunks... Well, Most**

Samos was walking around the city, looking for the other drunks. All of a sudden Praxis ran by him screaming. "What's going on, Baron Dumbass?" he asked. "Why are you screaming?

Praxis shrugged. "I felt like screaming. Plus my taco was running away so I ran after it." Samos gave him a weird look when he sawa taco with legs, a crowbar and a skull gem standing around the bend Praxis was walking towards. He shook his head and walked away, but he heard Praxis scream and then a kick.

Damas had crashed the Slam Dozer into the city wall, where it was on fire in an accordian style. He drunkly climbed out and walked away, just before the vehicle blew up.

Samos saw Damas hick-uping around the town with a bottle of alcohol. He wasn't that hard to find, seeing as he was teasing a KG bot. It shot and he jumped out of the way. "Missed me!" he mocked before dodging another shot. Samos threw a bottle of green eco at him which shattered in his eye. "AAGGHH! I'M DYING!" Damas passed out. The KG poked him to see if he was conscience, seeing as out cold prey was no fun. It shrugged and walked away.

Tess was just standing still in the advanced area (the place with freedom HQ). She occasionally beeped, which gave Samos a hard time finding her.

However, Veger found her first. As he was walking by he merely pushed her into the water, which had worked for Praxis.

Pecker snuck out of the metalhead nest. "Metalheads stupid, fall for scarecrow trick always..." he said. Actually, the metalheads got bored of chasing him so they pushed the pathetic scarecrow he set up into the acid.

Samos hovered down in front of him. "Foe a!" Pecker said before taking out a crowbar.

"I don't think Yoda would say that, OW!" Pecker had hit Samos. Pecker started swinging it at him, and Samos floated out of his reach. Pecker, forgetting about his wings, tried to jump up to him, with little success.

Samos took out a bottle of green eco and started pouring it. Pecker jumped out of the path and landed, face flat, into a street light. He staggered and fell over, then dodged another flow of green eco.

Pecker screamed like a warrior woman and charged at Samos. Samos responded by moving, causing Pecker to run into a wall. Pecker growled and tried to smack Samos with his bar sabe. Samos grabbed it and threw it through a window.

Ned sat at his cottage in Haven City at the dinner table. "Finally, a place I can be peaceful!" he said before a crowbar went through his window and hit him in the crotch. "Ow..." He fell over.

Samos picked up Pecker and threw him to the ground.

Praxis walked up to the fighting duo. "Have any of you seen Erol?" he asked. "He's supposed to be helping build the palace."

"Ya mean Qui-Gon Jinn?" Pecker said.

"Er... Yes."

"Erol's at the remains of the Naughty Ottsel," Samos said before Pecker jumped up and smacked him in the face. Samos kicked Pecker who went flying into the metalhead nest, and the same metalheads that attacked him and Et surrounded him.

"Again not you..." Pecker groaned before he was viciously attacked.

"I better get Erol and Torn now," Samos said before he was shot by a metalhead and killed...the metalhead. Samos then went to the bar.

At the bar, Torn and Erol were slashing their crowbars at Krew, who had taken a long bar and was blocking the attacks. Jak, Daxter, Et and half the others were watching. "Shouldn't we help?" Kor asked.

"Nah, let them fight," Jak said.

Krew smashed right at Erol, who fell over. He stood up and trew his bar saber, which hit Krew. Krew growled and punched Erol.

The three jumped at each other when they were each hit with a peacemaker shot from Sig. "Would you keep it down, I'm trying to sleep!"

The three looked at each other. "Continue outside?" Krew suggested.

"Sure."

"Yeah."

**Next chapter: Krew fights Torn and Erol. Chapter after that: everything becomes back to normal!**

**Jak: Really?**

**Cir: For about three days! Review!**


	8. The Last of 'em

**The second last chapter has come, but don't worry, once this is over, Bar Wars II: Attack of the Phones will be out soon.**

**Jak: If you even make a _word _of number two, then I'll...um...do something!**

**Cir: Do I sound like I care?**

**Jak: Of course! I'll get you, we'll all get you eventually...**

**Cir: I know.**

**Jak: That's right, you- what?**

**_BAR WARS: THE FAT MENACE  
_Chapter Eight: The Last of 'em**

Krew hit Torn in the chest with his crowbar. Torn farted. Erol coughed and plugged his nose. Erol slipped and fell into the port water.

"Ya killed Qui-Gon!" Torn said.

"Actually, _you _made him fall in," Krew said.

Jak was sitting on the ledge the bar sign was on, along with Daxter, Kor, Jinx, Et, Keira, Praxis, Veger, Brutter, Crocay, Metal Kor (What?) and a few metalheads. So with seven elves, an ottsel, a lurker and about five metalheads, it was very crowded.

Torn tried to throw his bar at Krew but missed. It bounced off the bar sign and hit Erol, who was crawling out of the water, back in. Jak took out a sign that said 9 on it, Daxter took out 8.5, Et took out a 7, Keira took a 9 and a metalhead took out a 8.

Krew picked up Torn and threw him in the port. Torn grabbed onto on of Krew's legs which almost snapped it like a twig. Krew floated up making Torn's face hit the bar sign. He fell down far and landed on the edge.

Torn groaned and saw Erol's bar lying beside him. Torn picked up the bar and tried to stand up, but puked. He threw his bar which punctured Krew's floating thing. Krew spun out of control and fell into the water. He tried to swim but got tired and sunk into the depths.

Daxter cheered. "Now I don't have to clip his toenails!" he cheered again before he started dancing. But then Daxter took a step too far and fell off the ledge.

"I'll save you Qui!" Torn hickuped before falling into the water. They all looked into the spot he fell, except Daxter, who was in too much pain to move. Evntually a figure crawled up a ramp, holding another figure.

"He actually saved Erol! Hurray!" Praxis cheered. Thentehy threw stuff at him, andJak kicked Praxis off the ledge, who fell onto the already hurt Daxter.

Then they saw who each was, and saw that Erol actually pulled Torn out, not what Torn, tried to do.

"At least they're both safe," Praxis said before they threw more stuff at him, and a boot knocked him out.

Erol threw Torn on the ground and began walking away. "If you hate him, then why'd you save him?" Keira asked.

"I was afraid I'd be sued by the company if I didn't," he said then walked to the guards who were trying to put the palace back together. "Maybe you should put the base on _before _the top," he suggested.

At the bar, Daxter started a party, seeing as the bar was legally his. They were all partying at Krew's death, seeing as no one liked him. Jak had made a beer waterslide down the staircase from the first floor to the second, and he got Praxis to test it out. It was a trick, seeing as he turned off the beer when Praxis started, making him fall down. Then Praxis, as revenge, threw his shoe at Jak, who turned to Dark Jak and chased Praxis around the bar for the next ten minutes. Then he got bored and tied Praxis to the ceiling fan and turnd it on. Praxis was, however, too heavy and it fell and began spinning around the bar hitting whoever got in its path.

Daxter and Kor were watching the whole thing. "This is amusing," Kor said as the fan went spinning passed them.

"Tell me about it!" Daxter said as he gulped down another beer.

Then Krew busted through the door. "I'm not dead you morons!" he said. They all shrugged and went back to partying.

**Jak: Why would that be the second last? It seems like everything's ended.**

**Cir: Not quite, they're forgetting something.**

**Jak: Is it that the security tank is still in the port?**

**Cir: It blew up. Review!**


	9. Forgetting Something

**Sorry about taking so long to update, but writing four fics at once is really hard! I don't recommend it.Dean, I'm not quite sure about what you mean... And****I know some of you have been enjoying this, but it's time for the final chapter.**

**Everyone besides Sig: Yay!**

**Sig: What's everyone cheering about?**

**Jak: You were sleeping through torture.**

**Cir: But number 2 will be up soon.**

**Jak: Dammit!**

**Cir: Own nothing except OCs.**

**_BAR WARS: THE FAT MENACE  
_Chapter Nine: Forgetting Something...**

Sig finally woke up. "What's everyone celebrating about?" he asked.

"Krew's dead!" Praxis cheered, before turning around to have Krew hit him in the face with an oar.

Daxter jumped to Krew. "Hey Krew, I'll give you this check for twice my tab if you sell the bar back to me," he said, holding out a check.

"Sold!" Krew said, taking it.

"Ha! It's a fake check!"

"I know, I'm not stupid," Krew said. "I just don't want to have to repair this place."

Daxter looked around and saw that the roof, the front wall and quite a few doors were missing. Also, there was a flaming heap of wreckage from Daxter's zoomer sitting in the corner. Parts of the rafters were on fire and still falling. "I really hate you," he said to the guy so fat I'm surprised he's still alive.

Jak was wondering something. "I feel like we're forgeting something..." he said to Daxter.

"Probably nothing important," the ottsel replied.

A zoomer ran right through the bar into Daxter and into a wall where it exploded. Daxter landed on Jak's arm and the drunken moncaw landed beside Sig's peacemaker. "Hurt that did," the drunk Pecker said.

"Told you," Jak said.

"Shut up," Daxter said before passing out.

Pecker began staggering to the door, but Jak walked in his way. "You're not leaving."

Pecker took out a machine gun and began shooting at Jak. Only one hit him but it bounced off his rib and into the chair Veger was sitting on, causing him to fall. The rest completely missed and trashed the bar even more. He hit a few lights causing a fire, which spread to the beer storage and exploded. Veger used his chair for a shield, Krew used his oar and Praxis jumped behind the counter.

By the time Pecker was out of ammo, Jak was snicking at the flaming heap of nothing that sed to be the Naughty Ottsel.

Daxter walked out of the bathroom. Then saw the bar. He started gasping non-stop (not hiperventalating, just gasping without breath) while he twitched inmultiple spots and fell over clutching his heart with hoarse gasps for air and flailing. All the people who were okay walked up to the heart-attack-shocked-flailing-gasping- twitching-in-a-lot-of-pain ottsel.

"This place is ruined," Erol said. "Let's go to MacDonalds."

They all agreed and walked out the doorfram.

**The first part of Bar Wars has finished. (Star Wars music plays) Stop that! I'm not finished yet!**

**Jak: Sorry. (Turns off CD player)**

**Cir: As I was saying before I was RUDELY INTERUPTED, (Jak whistles innocently) there is still more. This is the list of the next stories in the series:**

**Bar Wars II: Attack of the Phones  
Bar Wars III: Revenge of the Pizzaman  
Bar Wars IV: A Blue Dope  
Bar Wars V: The Booze Strikes Back  
Bar Wars VI: Return of the Drunk**

**It took some time (and some help from Fee), but I finally have all the titles. Attack of the Phones shoud come out sometime within the next week or two. If it doesn't, then surprise me.**

**Jak: But for now the torture's over! And while Daxter and I plan ways to stop him from writing, review!**

**Cir: NOW!**

**Jak: (plays Star Wars music)**

**Cir: Okay, that's enough.**

**Jak: (Ignores him)**

**Cir: Stop!**

**Jak: (continues to ignore)**

**Cir: Don't make me take out the Super Nova...**

**Jak: (stops the music)**


End file.
